Lost but not Alone
by Jessecat23
Summary: Matthew has been struggling with depression and other difficulties in his life. No one ever notices him except bullies. His parents ignore him for weeks on end and even his older brother Alfred forgets about him. How will he cope or will he meet a certain albino that knows exactly how he feels? HIGH SCHOOL AU! VERY SAD AND TRIGGERING. YAOI. WARNINGS INSIDE. M FOR REASON. ENJOY!
1. Chapter 1

**Okay guys. This is a new fanfiction that I was NOT going to publish based on the fact that I just wrote it to get out some of my pent up feelings. I needed to get things off of my chest so that is why I wrote this. I wrote this over a year ago and I thought 'why the hell not post it?' I was very reluctant to because it had some personal stuff in here but now I think it's time I share.**

**But I must warn you before you read this fanfiction. IT IS VERY TRIGGERING. I am not going to lie to you guys. If you are sensitive to any of the following triggers, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. I AM WARNING YOU GUYS NOW SO YOU DON'T LEAVE HATEFUL COMMENTS. SO PLEASE BE CONSIDERATE. **

**TRIGGER WARNINGS INCLUDE: SELF HARM, SELF HATRED, _PHYSICAL AND VERBAL ABUSE, BULLYING, VIOLENCE, SWEARING, AND SEXUAL CONTENT._**

**_This is boy x boy. Yaoi! _**

**_Pairings include: Prucan! UsUk. And maybe other pairings._**

**_I am giving you time to turn back now. _**

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**_Okay if you haven't turned back, ENJOY!_**

**_~TheFanFictionNerd/Jessecat~_**

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**Lost but not Alone**

**Chapter 1**

_**TRIGGER WARNING STARTS HERE...**_**Sorry :(**

Matthew's POV

I'm alone. It hurts so much that I can't feel anything. I'm numb. I can't even feel the blade sliding across the soft scarred skin of my arm. It hurts, yet I feel nothing. I am nothing. The blood that drips my arm stains the sheet of my bed. I don't care anymore. I just to sleep. Sleep and never wake up. But I can't sleep. I have to stay awake. Because what if I do wake up and Dad or Alfred find me? I need to clean up before they wake. I move slowly out of my bed. Blood still streaming down my arm in little streams that form bigger ones. I had done it bad this time. The breakdown was even worse. I couldn't control myself. I hated myself even more for what I did but I couldn't stop. I just kept going. Running the blade over the flesh of my arm. Tearing up every piece of pale skin I could find. I have lost too much blood this time. I had gone way overboard. I hate myself. I hate my very existence. It hurts. I hurt.

Little blood droplets stained the old oak floors as I made my way to the bathroom attached to my room. Thank God I had my own bathroom. If anyone found out about this I'd be dead. They wouldn't understand why I do this. Nobody would. I'm alone and no one can save me now.

I was cleaning my arms in the sink, hissing slightly as the water ran over the bloody cuts. Turning the sink off I opened the mirror cabinet to get the first aid kit. I wrapped my arm tightly with gauze. Applying pressure to it. I looked up into the mirror. I saw myself for the first time in a long time. My eyes were red and watery from crying. I had dark circles under them. I haven't slept in almost two days. My hair was neater than the rest of my appearance. My hair was blond with a slight wave to it. A lone curl was it's only flaw, sticking out slightly from the rest of my hair. I had taken off my red hoodie to inspect my body. My lean pale frame filled the mirror. There were bruises on my upper arms and scattered around my torso.

They were mostly from school. I got bullied constantly. Though most of the people don't even glance at me. The only people that seem to notice me are the bullies. They hate me just because I'm gay. Well that may not be the only reason but they tended to bring it up when they used me as a punching bag. I didn't even tell anyone. I guess they just knew I was different.

_**TRIGGER WARNING ENDS**_

The only person who remotely cares about me is my big brother Alfred. Even if sometimes he doesn't notice me, I know he still knows I exist. He can be kind of a jerk sometimes, but I still love him as a brother.

I put my hoodie back on and wiped the floor with toilet paper. I took my blood stained sheet and tried to scrub the stain out, of course it wouldn't come out all the way. I put it in the hamper beside my door. Hopefully mom won't notice. I got back into bed and looked at the clock; 3:43 A.M. Sighing I decided to try to get at least a few hours of sleep before school.

My name is Matthew Williams. I'm 16 years old and I self harm. A lot of days I wish I could scream out and make people see me. But now I don't have the will to try any more. I soon fell into a dreamless sleep.

The next morning I woke up late for school. Alfred had come banging on my door to get up. I silently whimpered as the sun shone on my face and in my eyes. I hand always been really sensitive to sunlight. Some might call me a vampire if they actually noticed me. I did have an unusual eye color. It was nearly violet with hints of blue.

I got up reluctantly, pain surging through my arm as I slowly got to my feet. As I walked to open the door Alfred was currently banging a tone on I was overcome with dizziness. I fell against the door with a thud to regain my balance. Alfred apparently heard the thud because he opened the door. I fell against the door frame blushing slightly. Alfred noticed and looked at me with concern.

"You okay, dude? You don't look so good." Alfred said in a concerned tone. I mumbled that I was fine. The dizziness was beginning to pass.

"Are you sure, Mattie? Well if you feel okay then you have to hurry. It's almost eight." He said before he ran downstairs and out the door. 'Eight? It's not that late is it?' I thought as I looked back at the clock on my nightstand. It was in fact 8:03 A.M. I cursed under my breath as I hurried to get dressed. I had to be at school by 8:30 or I would be late. I brushed my hair and grabbed my back pack and phone. I was just about to run out the door when I realized that no one would really notice if I was there or not.

Sighing sullenly I walked out of the house and onto the sidewalk at a slow pace. It was a ten minute walk to get to school. I checked my cell for the time. 8:22 A.M. I stopped walking and noticed that I was at the front steps of the school. I frowned and climbed the steps and went inside.

There was a bustle of students walking and messing around in the hallway. I walked passed them without getting trampled. It was then that the bell rang for first hour. There was a wave of students coming towards me. I looked around for a quick escape. There was none. I flinch and prepared for impact. The pain did not come though as I was suddenly pulled by the collar of my shirt off to the side into a corner. I opened my eyes to see a peculiar and rather attractive guy looking at him at me. He was at least an inch shorter than me. His messy silvery white hair shone in the low light of the corner. His eyes seemed to glow a beautiful crimson red as they looked into my violet ones. His pale lips curled up into a cocky grin.

"You better be careful, Birdie. They'll knock you down and step all over you. The Awesome me saves the day again. Kesesesese~" The man smiled at me and I felt myself blush. I notice he had a husky German accent. It seemed to compliment him very well. I looked back at him and noticed he had several piercings on his lip and one small one in his nose. He was wearing black and white stripped fingerless gloves that went to his elbows. A T-shirt that said "**AWESOME**" on it and black skinny jeans. I looked back down. 'Damn this guy is hot. What should I say? Should I apologize? Yeah that sounds appropriate.'

"S-sorry. I didn't mean to g-get in the way." I felt my face get so hot all the way to my hairline. I've never blushed this much in my life. What was wrong with me?

"Why are you apologizing? I just saved your life and I don't get a thank you? How disappointing." He said as he pouted his bottom lip and crossed his arms.I tightened my grip on the strap of my backpack. I was blushing so hard out of embarrassment I was almost in tears.

"I-I'm sorry. Thank you s-so much. I havetogo."I stuttered quickly. Tears starting to stream down my face. I was so happy. For once someone had taken notice of me and was being nice at the same time. The guy why the beautiful crimson eyes looked at me worriedly.

"H-hey, you alright? Why are you crying? Don't cry." He reached out with his gloved hand and touched my face gingerly before quickly pulled away and ran down the now empty hallway towards the boys bathroom. I had calmed down a little when I sat in one of the stalls and took slow, deep breaths. I touched my face in the spot his fingers had touched and I felt myself blush even more. At the moment his fingers touched my skin there was a spark between us. It felt so good, so real. I wanted to jump into his arms at that moment and cry out all the pain that has built up inside for so many years. But of course that would have been weird and cliché as hell.

I smiled as I walked out of the stall. It hurt to smile. It had been so long since I had smiled like this. I splashed some water on my face from the sink and stared into the mirror, looking at my flushed face. As I touched my face again, the sleeve of my hoodie rose a little, exposing the deep red cuts on my wrist.

My smile faded and I look down at my arms. I was reminded once again that I was a failure at everything. I looked back up at the mirror and noticed someone standing in the doorway of the bathroom. Yelping in surprise I quickly cover my arms. I looked towards the doorway to find the German guy only a few feet from me. I stammered and tried to form words but they wouldn't come. I looked into the pale guys eyes but he was looking down at my now covered arms. I began to panic. 'He saw! He saw my arms. How I hurt myself. He saw everything. Oh God. He's going to tell. He's going to tell everyone in the school. I'm dead. I'm so dead'.

My thoughts were interrupted by the sudden feeling of warmth around my body. I realized that the boy with silver white hair and crimson eyes was hugging me. He wrapped his lean, yet muscular arms around my smaller frame. I gasp and stood there in shock, unsure of what to do.

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**I really hope you guys liked it. I'm sorry if it was too triggering for you guys to read. If any of you are having trouble with your urges or you have any personal problems that you feel like you can't tell anyone, just send me a message if you want to talk. I'll be here. **

**Anyway I hope you enjoyed it~~! I love Reviews so review away and tell me what you think! It's my motivation.**

**Okay that is all~ See you next update. (which will be soon~~!)**

**~TheFanFictionNerd/Jessecat~**


	2. Chapter 2

**HELLOO EVERYONE! PLEASE ENJOY AND PLEASE REVIEW. **

**WARNINGS FOR THIS CHAPTER: Self Harm. Depression. Crying. Cursing. French.**

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**Lost but not Alone**

**Chapter 2**

**Gilbert's POV**

The boy I had pulled out of the way and saved his life from a mob of students, who would have probably trampled him, was in my arms at the moment. After I saved his ass he looked really flushed and scared. He looked pretty cute with that blush on his face. He looked up at me with those big, gorgeous violet eyes and blushed more, stammering that he was sorry. I could tell something was wrong with him. He seemed really upset now. I could see him tear up and look down. I was always so bad at comforting people when they were upset.

Then next thing I know the kid is crying. I immediately try to calm him down. I didn't even know his name and I had the urge to comfort him. As tears fell from his soft violet eyes, down his slightly pink cheeks onto his red hoodie, I reached out and brushed a few tears from his face. He looked down and suddenly ran off through the hallway. I stood there like a dummkopf until the sound of the late bell rang in my ears. I sighed and made my way towards my first class of the day. Astronomy. It was pretty awesome.

As I walked past the boys' bathroom I heard sniffling coming from within. It sounded like a girl crying. Wait, in the _**boys'**_ bathroom? I didn't have time for this but I could always make up excuses to the teacher later. I went inside to investigate with hesitation. What I saw horrified me and made my chest hurt. It was that little blond haired boy I saved earlier. He was looking sadly down at his arms, which were covered in newly healed scars and very fresh looking cuts. I bit my lip and clutched my fists, trying to breathe slowly and calmly. I heard a yelp from him as he quickly tried to cover his arms when he noticed I was standing there.

I walked over to him slowly, looking at his covered arms with sadness and hurt. I could tell he was terrified because he opened his mouth and closed it again. I couldn't take that look he was giving me. That lost puppy dog look. He looked so hurt and scared. I grabbed him and pulled him into my arms as gently as possible. I heard him gasp in shock as I did so. He just stood there. He didn't seem to react for a few seconds.

"It's alright Birdie. I'm here for you no matter what." I whispered, surprising the both of us. _'__What the hell am I doing? The Awesome me doesn't hug random stranger! But this kid…There is something about this kid.'_ I was dragged out of my thoughts by Birdie hugging me back for dear life, sobbing into my chest pathetically.

It was kind of unawesome but I went with my instincts and held him closer to my chest. I smiled and stroked his dull golden hair lightly. It took him a while to calm down after that. By the time he had calmed down half of the hour had gone by and there was only fifteen minutes left of first hour. I just held him until he stopped crying.

He pulled away from me when he was done, wiping his face with his sleeve. I smiled comfortingly at him. He blushed and smiled back at me slightly. _'__Gott, how can he be this cute?' _I thought as he shifted awkwardly on his feet and I found myself staring at his arms again. I quickly looked away, though he probably noticed my stares. I decided to break the deafening silence first.

"We should probably get to class. If you want we can talk about what just happened at lunch. Oh, I'm Gilbert, by the way. What's your name?" I asked nervously. He looked up into my eyes and I felt my heart skip a beat.

"I'm M-Matthew. Um we have Astronomy together I think." Matthew said. I realized we did have the same class together. I was confused as to why I had never realized this before or even seen him in the class. I smiled and held out my hand.

"Shall we go then?" I gave him a smirk. He took my hand cautiously and seemed to shiver as he saw my smirk. We walked out of the bathroom and down the hallway together towards the science class rooms. I realized we were still holding hands. A light blush tinted my pale cheeks as we walked into the classroom together. People were staring and I gave them a small glare that said "Fuck off". They all looked away, knowing well not to mess with the Awesome Gilbert. I realized I had let go of Birdie's hand and I sat at my desk in the corner and watched Matthew go sit at a desk in the corner on the other side of the room. The teacher said nothing to us until after the bell rang. She called us up to her desk.

"Where have you two been for most of last hour?" She asked sternly. I was about to make a good (horrible) excuse when Matthew beat me to it.

"We were helping another student with tutoring. He needed help and so did Gilbert. I tutored both of them. I'm sorry we were so late. It won't happen again." He said blankly. There was no emotion on his face that I could see. It scared me a little to see him like that. The teacher looked skeptical but decided to let us move on to out next class.

**Normal POV**

The day went by smoothly until lunch arrived. The two teenagers found each other after class to discuss important issues about Matthew's "habits". They sat at a table in the corner in the very back of the cafeteria. It was loud as usual but at least they could get some sort of privacy without anyone over hearing by accident. Matthew honestly didn't want to cooperate but he feared the other would tell the whole school. So he sat in silence while said Prussian sat across from him and spoke.

I am sure you have your reasons for doing what you do but I hope I can help if you want me to." Gilbert said as calmly as he could. He was still shaken up and his chest still hurt with a certain pang that he couldn't describe.

"I…I'm not sure if y-you can help me now. Plus…you wouldn't understand the urge…" Matthew said half-heartedly. Gilbert looked down and thought. He then looked back up at the Canadian teenager. He got up from his seat across from him and sat right next to him. He motioned down at his stripped gloves that went up to his elbows. The Prussian slid the right glove off with his left hand under the table. There were short, small scars on his forearm. The farther down his arm towards his wrist; the worse it got. Matthew looked up at Gilbert as he looked down sadly at his arm. Gilbert was silent for a moment, and then spoke with a serious tone.

"I do understand…more than you think." He looked into light violet eyes next to him. "Just talking about it…the urges are so painful." Gilbert looked away from those beautiful eyes. He felt himself cringe. His eyes pricked with tears.

"When I saw you in the hall, you had that distant look about you. I knew something was up. I guess I saw a little bit of myself in your eyes." The Prussian whispered. He was deep in thought when he felt slim fingers caress scars on his wrist. There was a particularly long and jagged scar that stuck out from the rest. It ran across the albino's wrist and down the side of his forearm, looking like a very deep and almost fatal wound. Gilbert looked up to see Matthew staring at the scar. Matthew had tears in his eyes, threatening to fall. He couldn't believe there was someone who felt the same way he did.

"Did this one hurt?" Matthew asked suddenly. He pointed to the long jagged scar on Gilbert's wrist. What Matthew didn't know that he what he was asking about the scar was a very sensitive topic for Gilbert. Gilbert felt his breath hitch as he felt the thumb of Matthew's slender hand run across the jagged line in his pale skin. Before the Prussian could answer he was interrupted by two boys coming up to the table where they sat. Gilbert quickly stuck his arm underneath the table and slid his gloves back on.

"Bonjour, Moncher~. How are we doing on this lovely day?" The boy with long wavy blond hair greeted Gilbert. The guy had sky blue eyes and a French accent. He obviously though he was the hottest thing that ever existed. The guy next to him had a smile on his face. His skin was tanned and his eyes were piercing green. His hair was a dark brown and a bit of a mess.

"Hola, mi amigo. Who is that sitting next to you?" The guy asked. Matthew noted the Spanish accent.

"Ohonon~! I did not see you there. But I did see you two holding hands down the hallway. Are you two lovers?" The Frenchman asked excitedly. Both boys' eyes widened and the Canadian covered his face in embarrassment.

"Nein! We are just friends, Francis. We just met today!" The albino jumped up from his seat, fuming slightly.

"Ohohonon. Good! Then I have a chance to get this beauty on my side." The boy known as Francis said as he slid in the seat that Gilbert was sitting in. Francis leaned over and put his hand on the Canadian's leg, slowly sliding his hand up to his thigh. He whispered something into Matthew's ear in French, expecting him not to know what it meant. Matthew blushed furiously at what he heard being whispered, feeling Francis' warm breath on his ear made it worse. He tensed as he felt the hand slowly going up his thigh. He yelped and tried to go to the next seat over.

"Francis!" The Frenchman turned around and was met with burning red eyes filled with rage.

Gilbert grabbed Francis by the collar of his shirt and pulled him roughly to his feet. Crimson eyes met sky blue and the crimson seemed to be so intense that Francis wanted to look away. He couldn't though, Gilbert held him firm.

"If you ever touch Birdie like that again I swear I will cut off everything you have between your legs." Gilbert growled darkly before shoving Francis to the ground. "Geile Drecksau." He murmured as he took Matthew's hand and led him away from the Frenchman and the oblivious Spaniard.

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**Hey guys. It's been a while. I finally had time to update! Please tell me what you guys think!**


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